Grief and Healing
Refreshing greenery from a rustic brick building, artistic outlines, and the soul breathing life giving atmosphere.
When it rains and things gets hard… ‘Oh… On this journey with grief and healing there were many painful yet growing moments.
Shortly after the flying of my eldest child I lost my way. I maintained my sanity to my best capabilities because I still had my younger children to care and provide for. They still needed the love and affection from their Mother. Not only did I lose my child they lost their sibling and the only way of life they ever knew.
But if I am going to be honest, the honest truth, I lost my direction and the only way I knew how to live as well. I did not just lose a huge part of my heart I also lost the lifestyle that was created for my daughter with sever acute complex medical needs and profound disabilities to live at home with us – to always enjoy life with her family. A uniquely crafted lifestyle filled with inclusion and accessibility that seeped into my identity from the age of twenty until thirty-six.
A couple months in, I literally fell off the grid from the world and solely focused on the people living inside my household.
Mosaic art piece at In Progress, MN.
“As much as you love her, she loved you too and is thankful.”
One day while playing my mmo (massive multiple-players online) game, one of my friend chased me down knowing I would be getting lost in there. The friend came up to me and asked how I was doing. I said I was fine – which I wasn’t, and the friend knew. The friend said, “Paaj, what’s going on? Talk to me? This is not you and it is not okay.” These conversations led to me pulling up the curtains revealing how I felt. I felt like I was a bad Mother because I did not love my child well enough and hadn’t given her enough from life before she grew her wings. All sort of guilt and self-loathing spewed everywhere because that was how I felt with all my being. My friend listened and after listening told me some honest truths that unveiled the fog surrounding. The friend said, “Paaj, why are you allowing yourself in a place where you have no business in?” … “Your child had one of the best lives anyone could have asked for considering all her many medical needs and limitations. You made her life worth it. And if it counts for anything I think you are one awesome person too.” “This here where you’re staying… you do not belong here.” “As much as you love her, she loved you too and is thankful.”
With this journey I realized it was not self-hatred or guilt I truly felt. It was… I had so much love left to give my child, but that love did not have anywhere to go now that she’s not physically here. I had so many dreams and living left to do with her with our family. It was not anger or emptiness… it was Love. It was so much love left that I felt extremely suffocated my heart ache.
My previous boss reached out to me sharing her journey of losing a child too. She shared something her pastor told her during her own season, “… his death will leave a hole in my heart, and I will need to decide what I want to fill that hole with … try to keep asking myself what I am filling my heart with.”
I now choose to fill the space with Love. More love for my children and spouse who’s still living next to me. Love to my loved ones. Love to my community members. Love to myself because we are all created wonderfully.
So, how to keep taking the steps with me?
Surround yourself with a community of people who knows who you are and have your best interest at heart.
Give yourself permission to feel, process, navigate, and live because no one journey is the same.
Live. Keep on living by doing the small things that brings joy. A cup of tea? Sitting by the window basking in the sunlight?
Embrace growth and change by exploring. That community park you always pass by – stop and walk around it. That small shop at the corner – walk in and look around. That opportunity you would have never done – do it!
Share without worries. It really isn’t something anyone should take personally to or get offensive – those who love will not mind no matter how dark or gloomy it might be. Allow them to be a glimmer of light.
After the rain and time planted in the soil the seedling breaks through the outer shell of the seed. This itself is a painfully hard yet lifegiving process requiring time and patience considering each particular seed’s growth timeline – everyone have their own timeline. Eventually, we see something so fragile sprouts through and grows into a sapling towards a strong and giving plant with nurture and care.
There is nothing the Lord cannot do though the rain fell, the floods came, and the winds beat because he is faithful and will part the seas with troubles ever present. (Matthew 7:25)
